I'm exhausted.
I've never been so tired in my life. More tired than at a summer camp working tons of hours where I'd stay up as late as I could just so i could hear someone' voice, that in turn has turned in a different direction. I've never understood stress, at least not in this manner. The anxiety of life that a dear friend used to talk about.
Time needs to somehow stop. Just stop in the midst of everything and give back to what it takes. I seem to be running around on E all the time. Between working nightshifts, attempting to redo school, help run a youth group, clean a house, homework, my family is moving, mow a yard, actually have a conversation with roommates, or even spend five minutes with God.
Notice the sad part in the sentence above? It was all about me...
all about me...
sheesh... that hits home. That cut deep.
Its not about God nor is it about how I can glorify Him. Though I truly have nothing to offer, God chooses me to be apart of communion with Him and I do nothing but put it off. I say, "Hey, I'm busy. I'll do it later. Maybe tomorrow or I can only do it during this x amount of time that is open in my schedule rather than this is ALWAYS first and placing everything else in the open slots from after spending time with the Lord Almighty.
Talk about a heart clincher. The most stupid thing I used to say about men in the Old Testament is that they are men who have seen God have this community or even a covenant with God and they still forget Him or set Him aside as if He is not there or can be placed inside a box. Yet, its exactly what I do everyday. I experienced the Living God this summer and He spoke to my heart and He has broken my heart and He has even changed my heart. I turn on him. I say, "Later! I'll get to it later! I'm so busy Lord!" not "I've cleared my schedule for you Lord. What will you have with your servant? Your servant is here and listening."
Yet i need to be humbled and that is exactly what He's done. "Woe to me for I am ruined." Gosh...I am a worthless being no different than the disobedient Israel.
Lord, I am so sorry for my sin of busyness. I am so sorry that I attempt to put you in this box of my control. Where is my faith? Why don't I trust You that You will provide everything? Make me fully rely on You. Fix my little faith, Lord. Build my faith in order to do your will in moving the mountains in our hearts. Help build me into the man that will serve you no matter the cost. Thank you for being so good. Thank you Father for breaking my heart tonight. My joy is only made complete in You. You have filled me with peace because you love us to break us in order to fix us. Thank you for being beyond us yet being with us, worthless people whom you created and love so dearly and unconditionally.
With all I am,
Gary Michael "Tex" Rule
"Let me tell you a mystery: We wont all rest but we will all be changed." 1 corinthians 15:51
"and after you have suffered awhile, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 peter 5:10
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